NEELAAMBARI (Fiction)

NEELAAMBARI

Madhavi Kutty (Kamala Das)

Dr. Subhadra has come to Madurai after thirty three years searching for something. If one asks her what is it that she has lost, she does not have any answer. Does she come here to make a survey of diseases that are engulfing the city? Then why has she arrived here lying to her hospital staff and thus putting them in the darkness? Does any one again come to hospital in search of the organ that is removed in an operation?

“My arrival here should not betray my lack of discrimination” thought she.

Thinking about Madurai city as an unrevealed dream, she has finished her studies in Madras and is now living in Calcutta with her husband.

The streets, filled with fragrances of jasmines, malathi, chaamanti flowers and vana tulasi leaves and scattering new cloth smells, the cool places in Meenakshi temple and the neelaambari raga (tune) as delineated by her guru Ramanaatham fill her heart with joy. Her husband has tried many times to erase those memories of her which have spread as green patches in a tank.

“As long as these remembrances roam in her inner recesses she will not be mine” is the line thinking of her husband.

“You transport yourself into a different world the moment the name of Madurai city is mentioned” he complained many times.

Once she told about her music teacher to her husband. This teacher-disciple relationship has remained as a dirty veil between the husband and wife.

“Tell me the truth, you were in love and were beloved to someone in your earlier life, is it not?” he enquired once.

“I am a virgin till I am married” is what she replied.

All the near and dear presume that Dr. Subhadra and Chandrasekhar Menon are an ideal couple.

Subhadra never denied it or affirmatively said any thing about it. She started her married life loaded with an incomprehensible pain at a corner of her heart. Never showing any disinterestedness she has been doing all house-hold activities like a dedicated housewife.

Still her husband used to comment “Your patients are your most beloved poeple. I am jealous of them”

These comments used to discourage and dispirit her.

“Am I not living as an ideal wife? He can neither cheer nor excite me” is her thinking and this reminds her of Ramanaatham. While Subhadra was bathing in the temple tank with Jnaanaamba , and when tried to swim, swallowed water and has almost drowned, it is Ramanaatham who rescued her. Hearing Jnaanaamba’s shouts, he came near swimming and lifted her.

Tightly hugging her to his chest he engulfed her body like an ocean. “That experience is like swinging in sweet imaginations and getting down afterwards”. She always remembers those moments. His chest adorned with sacred thread has shined with her kunkuma, and the Rudraaksha chain present in his neck never left her memories even after she got married.

Subhadra’s father was an eye specialist in Madurai. Subhadra was learning music going to Ramanaatham’s math together with Jnaanaamba. The music teacher Ramanaatham is the maternal uncle of Jnaanaamba. So she was easily admitted to learn music. Jnaanaamba was not beautiful. The body is not smooth and delicate. She used to comment on Subhadra as a big percussion instrument.

“The saris you wear do not suit a black girl like you. Your vast black hair makes you appear as a demon. You can not be proficient in music. Who eat meat and fish can not pronounce and sing the praise of the God”, and the like were Jnaanaamba’s  hurting comments. Saying so she was trying to belittle Subhadra and claim herself as very great.

Subhadra turned vegetarian as a reaction to Jnaanaamba’s utterances. Her parents are surprised for this change in her. Subhadra who used to enjoy delicious meat dishes has been eating curd rice happily.

She started wearing half-saris and upper cloth stopping wearing frocks. She was adorning her braid with jasmine garlands. She has been always practicing the tunes.

One day Ramanaathasastry brought his mother for eye testing to Subhadra’s father.

He introduced himself as music teacher of Subhadra. Subhadra’s father thought that the music teacher is an old man. But he is a very handsome man comparable to the beauty of characters in mythology and is like a lion among men and modern cupid. He was startled by realizing that his daughter is going alone to learn music from such a handsome man. He now understood the reason for the changes in her daughter’s behavior. Wearing flower garlands in the evenings, and colorful dresses and associated ornaments, changing into a vegetarian are all the witnesses to the change in his daughter.

He thought that his daughter is infatuated with Raamanaatham and has fallen in his attraction. How can she, an innocent and good girl in sweet sixteen, can not but fall for him and it seems that the teacher has completely robbed her of her senses.  Doubting so Subhadra’s father told, “ Subhadra will not come to learn music . She will be afraid of dogs while returning home during evenings.”

“Then I will come every Sunday and teach music” said Ramanaatham obediently.

“No, it is not necessary. She is going to join in college in Madras” and made him speechless.

Subhadra departed Madurai and went to Madras, studied medicine and became a doctor. Her marriage is arranged with an educated and rich young man. Subhadra did not say any thing against the arranged match.

Meanwhile Ramanaatham has married his niece Jnaanaamba. Their elders fixed this match in their childhood itself. Wearing new dress and smearing face with vermillion Jnaanaamba has started describing the love of her husband to her.

Subhadra stopped her saying “I am not enthusiastic to hear things between husband and wife”.

“You are envious of me. You wanted to marry my husband. I know everything” said Jnaanaamba.

“You must not talk like that. I just admired him as his disciple” and turned her face aside.

Then Jnaanaamba laughed wildly and said : “I am aware of your devotion to your teacher. I observed you embracing him tightly when he rescued you and bringing you out of waters. The hands of the rescued persons from drowning do not entwine so tightly the rescuer.”

“You are making an unfounded allegation. Do not spread this lie. My marriage is also fixed.”

Despite Subhadra’s protests, Jnaanaamba started describing their intimate moments in a series.

Subhadra could not withstand this and went away from there.

Her marriage has taken place. Ramanaatham was not invited. She never met Ramanaatham after her marriage.

Her loveless indifferent behavior was disturbing her husband. Hearing anything relating to her patients, their relatives or about illnesses in the hospital was making him tense and was roaming here and there losing peace of mind. All the patients were becoming silent the moment they hear his foot steps. Menon was never conversing with the patients of Subhadra. He was not smiling even at acquaintances. To see TV in solitude with Subhadra and going for outings with her in car were his longings.

But the hospital was always full and busy with patients. She was receiving phone after phone. She was being called for consultations and also for performing surgeries at short notice.

And at the end of the day when she just lies down on bed, she gets a phone call. Menon receives it and replies “Dr. Subhadra is out of station. She went to Guruvaayur to visit her mother”.

Subhadra never liked this lying and used to get anger and was saying, “You do not care for my patients. That is why you are behaving like this”.

“If it is destined that they must die they will die; even you can not save them”, he used to say.

The nights when no phone calls were received, he was drinking her beauty liberally with his eyes while she was sleeping. The smoothness of her body is still in tact though her hair became grey. Subhadra never prevented his amorous acts nor encouraged him.

Menon used to say again and again, “You like your patients and have no liking for me. So I feel jealous of them”

“But patients feel friendly with doctors, is it not?”

“Friendly relations will give raise to feelings. Such feelings must not be present between patient and doctor. Your fingers shake when the patients with whom you felt nearness are being discharged”.

Menon has very few friends. He was visiting one or two of them. He used to invite any one very rarely. If the guests are acquaintances he will put smiling face and enquires about their welfare. Before strangers gets stiffened.

Subhadra does not have children even though many years have passed after marriage. Menon felt bad for her not becoming pregnant and deliver children. As time passed he felt that it is better that they do not have any children.

“Even if we had children, where is the time for you to take care of them? All your time is consumed by your patients” was saying he. Scolding and abusing the patients like that Menon has become patient himself. Then Subhadra felt guilty and was worried.

“I neglected my husband” she many times thought. But that thinking did not last long. Subhadra was respecting her husband in the earlier days of their marriage. She was mingling with him so much. When she was visiting her mother’s place for the Onam festival, her maternal relatives were teasing her saying “chettiyar girl”. Because she was brought up in Tamilnadu she was black. When ever she was speaking Malayalam it was having Tamil accent.

“Why you have married me?” once she asked her husband.

“Like Draupadi you are having beautiful appearance. And your obedience has captivated me”.

But that obedience is missing now.

For no apparent reason she developed affection for herself. She has got her house built in a modern way. She made bed room an AC room. The number of servants in the house is increased. Always she was wearing costly silk saris.

The only one who can not be modernized is her husband himself. He was roaming in the garden or house wearing ordinary clothes. One of his fore-teeth has broken. He did not agree to replace his broken tooth with a new one. She felt that degeneration has started in her life.

One evening after the bath she was adjusting her hair humming neelaambari tune as delineated by Ramanaatham. At a distance the sun is setting as a fire ball and then she was reminded of the sharpness in the looks of the singer.

“Once let us go to Madurai and have a darshan of Goddess Meenakshi. I will take two days leave from the hospital” said she to her husband.

“We need not go to any other holy place other than Guruvaayur” replied he. The proposal to visit Madurai is rejected. Then Menon was sturdy and healthy. Now he is on bed with degenerated body suffering from paralysis. Always tears were rolling down his eyes. She understood his pain and difficulty. She was serving him orange juice with her own hands and was making him drink it. She was wiping his body with cloth soaked in hot water. By observing her service to her husband all her servants and relatives were acclaiming her love for her husband. She served him like this as long as Menon was alive.

Now she got liberated from married life and its bonds. She did free service to the poor and is worshipped as Goddess. “It is impossible that in hospital nothing moves even for a single day if the doctor is not present” used to think the patients. When they learnt that, doctor will not be available for three days as she is leaving to visit Madurai the patients are a worried lot. Somehow she convinced them and started for Madurai.

Though normally she was wearing dress reflecting her status as a widow, while going to Madurai, she wore silk sari and applied scent and wore choicest jewelry.  Her heart became sensitive and apprehensive like that of new bride who started for her new experience.

Madurai has changed a lot. Many earlier houses disappeared. New buildings have appeared. A school is being run in the house where they were residing. She went to Meenakshi temple and observed the temple tank. Then she arrived at the Math which is in a dilapidated condition.

No one answered her even though she called for many times. Thinking that no one might be there and was turning back an old woman has opened the door and came nearer Subhadra. She is Jnaanaamba appearing as a seventy year old woman. How much she has changed!? All her hair has fallen. Bald head is revealing dried up veins. All the teeth are missing. She is like the personification of Ugliness.

“I am Subhadra, did you not recognize me?” said Subhadra.

“You are Subhadra?!”

“I came to visit you. Where is our teacher?”

“You came very late Subhadra. Your teacher has expired a year back”

“But this news did not appear in the newspapers”

“Who will publish this news in the newspapers? Poor and ordinary people’s death is not news. He lived in difficulties and died in difficulties. When I asked him how we have to live since we do not have any children, he used to reply: My disciples are my children. They will take care of us when I am in need. We wrote for help to many. Leave alone help, they did not even care to reply.” Tears rolled down Jnaanamba’s cheeks.

Subhadra embraced her. Because Jnaanaamba did not bathe for many days her sari is smelling sweat.

Subhadra got vomiting sensation.

“How I can help you now?”

“I do not need any help now. I need no help from you. You are responsible for my quarrels with my husband. Whenever I was requesting him to teach me music along with you he was unhesitatingly saying that my voice is not matured. That was causing so much pain to me. I am speaking the truth, Subhadra, you have become his second wife and my competitor right from the start of my marriage”.

Subhadra removed her hands from her and said, “You have misunderstood me. Guruji never used to show any partiality” and left that place.

Subhadra took her bath and went to Meenakshi temple. She was earnestly waiting all these days to listen to neelaambari raga (tune) as delineated by her teacher Ramanaatham. What is the purpose of my living from now onwards? I waited till now? For what shall I wait from now?

Gleaming in the green sari Subhadra is weeping before the Goddess and was saying to herself, “I readied myself as a new bride and I became a widow, forgive me Goddess!”, then she heard a familiar voice asking

“When did you come, Subhadra?”

Subhadra looked back. Guru Ramanaatham stood before her wearing a small cloth. The same Rudraakshas are adorning his neck. The same red dot is adorning his forehead. Bear chest. Grey hair. Subhadra is astonished beyond measure by seeing him. “Has he come to cause illusion to me?” and was silently gazing at him.

He walked aside and signaled her to come there. She went there.

“When did you arrive, subhadra?”

Subhadra is not able to speak.

Keeping silent for a moment, asked he with a loving and affectionate voice,

“Why are you weeping? What has happened?”

“Jnaanaamba has told me that you have expired”

“Jnaanaamba has become a mental patient. I took her to all kinds of doctors. But no one could cure her. We gave her shock treatment at Kalyaanapuram too. That also did not work. “

“Very sad”

“All this is my destiny. I have to still teach music to run our house and live. I am in such a wretched state. Wearing torn cloths and starving, I am leading my life. Are you well and alright, Subhadra? How is your husband? How many children you have?

“My husband has expired. We do not have any children. I am living a lonely life serving the patients.”

She is intensely longing within now to go with him to some lonely place and to reveal to him fearlessly which she has buried in her all these thirty years and must recline by putting her face on his chest….

As if he sensed what is going on in her mind, he said,

“I can not come with you and spoil your name and fame”.

She wept uncontrollably trying to use it as a final arrow to persuade him.

Not leaving his tenderness he said,

“You and I have ordained responsibilities. To discharge them is the duty left in our lives. You must not spoil the sanctity of marriage and your husband’s name. I must serve my mentally ill wife. There is no other go. Only this is good for both of us in this life”.

The sound waves carrying the tune of neelaambari raga (tune) have pervaded the space emanating from a nearby house. Then she stood there seeing the dimmed moon in the sky.

 Malayalam original: Madhavi Kutty (Kamala Das)

Translation through Sanskrit: Varanasi Ramabrahmam