NEELAAMBARI
Madhavi Kutty (Kamala Das)
Dr. Subhadra has come to Madurai after
thirty three years searching for something. If one asks her what is it that she
has lost, she does not have any answer. Does she come here to make a survey of
diseases that are engulfing the city? Then why has she arrived here lying to
her hospital staff and thus putting them in the darkness? Does any one again
come to hospital in search of the organ that is removed in an operation?
“My arrival here should not betray my lack
of discrimination” thought she.
Thinking about Madurai city as an
unrevealed dream, she has finished her studies in Madras and is now living in
Calcutta with her husband.
The streets, filled with fragrances of jasmines,
malathi, chaamanti flowers and vana tulasi leaves and scattering new cloth
smells, the cool places in Meenakshi temple and the neelaambari raga (tune) as
delineated by her guru Ramanaatham fill her heart with joy. Her husband has
tried many times to erase those memories of her which have spread as green
patches in a tank.
“As long as these remembrances roam in her
inner recesses she will not be mine” is the line thinking of her husband.
“You transport yourself into a different
world the moment the name of Madurai city is mentioned” he complained many
times.
Once she told about her music teacher to
her husband. This teacher-disciple relationship has remained as a dirty veil
between the husband and wife.
“Tell me the truth, you were in love and
were beloved to someone in your earlier life, is it not?” he enquired once.
“I am a virgin till I am married” is what
she replied.
All the near and dear presume that Dr.
Subhadra and Chandrasekhar Menon are an ideal couple.
Subhadra never denied it or affirmatively
said any thing about it. She started her married life loaded with an
incomprehensible pain at a corner of her heart. Never showing any
disinterestedness she has been doing all house-hold activities like a dedicated
housewife.
Still her husband used to comment “Your
patients are your most beloved poeple. I am jealous of them”
These comments used to discourage and
dispirit her.
“Am I not living as an ideal wife? He can neither
cheer nor excite me” is her thinking and this reminds her of Ramanaatham. While
Subhadra was bathing in the temple tank with Jnaanaamba , and when tried to
swim, swallowed water and has almost drowned, it is Ramanaatham who rescued
her. Hearing Jnaanaamba’s shouts, he came near swimming and lifted her.
Tightly hugging her to his chest he
engulfed her body like an ocean. “That experience is like swinging in sweet
imaginations and getting down afterwards”. She always remembers those moments.
His chest adorned with sacred thread has shined with her kunkuma, and the
Rudraaksha chain present in his neck never left her memories even after she got
married.
Subhadra’s father was an eye specialist in
Madurai. Subhadra was learning music going to Ramanaatham’s math together with
Jnaanaamba. The music teacher Ramanaatham is the maternal uncle of Jnaanaamba.
So she was easily admitted to learn music. Jnaanaamba was not beautiful. The
body is not smooth and delicate. She used to comment on Subhadra as a big
percussion instrument.
“The saris you wear do not suit a black
girl like you. Your vast black hair makes you appear as a demon. You can not be
proficient in music. Who eat meat and fish can not pronounce and sing the
praise of the God”, and the like were Jnaanaamba’s hurting comments. Saying so she was trying to
belittle Subhadra and claim herself as very great.
Subhadra turned vegetarian as a reaction to
Jnaanaamba’s utterances. Her parents are surprised for this change in her.
Subhadra who used to enjoy delicious meat dishes has been eating curd rice
happily.
She started wearing half-saris and upper
cloth stopping wearing frocks. She was adorning her braid with jasmine
garlands. She has been always practicing the tunes.
One day Ramanaathasastry brought his mother
for eye testing to Subhadra’s father.
He introduced himself as music teacher of
Subhadra. Subhadra’s father thought that the music teacher is an old man. But
he is a very handsome man comparable to the beauty of characters in mythology
and is like a lion among men and modern cupid. He was startled by realizing
that his daughter is going alone to learn music from such a handsome man. He
now understood the reason for the changes in her daughter’s behavior. Wearing
flower garlands in the evenings, and colorful dresses and associated ornaments,
changing into a vegetarian are all the witnesses to the change in his daughter.
He thought that his daughter is infatuated
with Raamanaatham and has fallen in his attraction. How can she, an innocent
and good girl in sweet sixteen, can not but fall for him and it seems that the teacher
has completely robbed her of her senses.
Doubting so Subhadra’s father told, “ Subhadra will not come to learn
music . She will be afraid of dogs while returning home during evenings.”
“Then I will come every Sunday and teach
music” said Ramanaatham obediently.
“No, it is not necessary. She is going to
join in college in Madras” and made him speechless.
Subhadra departed Madurai and went to
Madras, studied medicine and became a doctor. Her marriage is arranged with an
educated and rich young man. Subhadra did not say any thing against the
arranged match.
Meanwhile Ramanaatham has married his niece
Jnaanaamba. Their elders fixed this match in their childhood itself. Wearing
new dress and smearing face with vermillion Jnaanaamba has started describing
the love of her husband to her.
Subhadra stopped her saying “I am not enthusiastic
to hear things between husband and wife”.
“You are envious of me. You wanted to marry
my husband. I know everything” said Jnaanaamba.
“You must not talk like that. I just
admired him as his disciple” and turned her face aside.
Then Jnaanaamba laughed wildly and said :
“I am aware of your devotion to your teacher. I observed you embracing him
tightly when he rescued you and bringing you out of waters. The hands of the
rescued persons from drowning do not entwine so tightly the rescuer.”
“You are making an unfounded allegation. Do
not spread this lie. My marriage is also fixed.”
Despite Subhadra’s protests, Jnaanaamba
started describing their intimate moments in a series.
Subhadra could not withstand this and went
away from there.
Her marriage has taken place. Ramanaatham
was not invited. She never met Ramanaatham after her marriage.
Her loveless indifferent behavior was
disturbing her husband. Hearing anything relating to her patients, their
relatives or about illnesses in the hospital was making him tense and was
roaming here and there losing peace of mind. All the patients were becoming
silent the moment they hear his foot steps. Menon was never conversing with the
patients of Subhadra. He was not smiling even at acquaintances. To see TV in
solitude with Subhadra and going for outings with her in car were his longings.
But the hospital was always full and busy
with patients. She was receiving phone after phone. She was being called for
consultations and also for performing surgeries at short notice.
And at the end of the day when she just
lies down on bed, she gets a phone call. Menon receives it and replies “Dr.
Subhadra is out of station. She went to Guruvaayur to visit her mother”.
Subhadra never liked this lying and used to
get anger and was saying, “You do not care for my patients. That is why you are
behaving like this”.
“If it is destined that they must die they
will die; even you can not save them”, he used to say.
The nights when no phone calls were
received, he was drinking her beauty liberally with his eyes while she was
sleeping. The smoothness of her body is still in tact though her hair became
grey. Subhadra never prevented his amorous acts nor encouraged him.
Menon used to say again and again, “You
like your patients and have no liking for me. So I feel jealous of them”
“But patients feel friendly with doctors,
is it not?”
“Friendly relations will give raise to
feelings. Such feelings must not be present between patient and doctor. Your
fingers shake when the patients with whom you felt nearness are being
discharged”.
Menon has very few friends. He was visiting
one or two of them. He used to invite any one very rarely. If the guests are
acquaintances he will put smiling face and enquires about their welfare. Before
strangers gets stiffened.
Subhadra does not have children even though
many years have passed after marriage. Menon felt bad for her not becoming
pregnant and deliver children. As time passed he felt that it is better that
they do not have any children.
“Even if we had children, where is the time
for you to take care of them? All your time is consumed by your patients” was
saying he. Scolding and abusing the patients like that Menon has become patient
himself. Then Subhadra felt guilty and was worried.
“I neglected my husband” she many times
thought. But that thinking did not last long. Subhadra was respecting her
husband in the earlier days of their marriage. She was mingling with him so
much. When she was visiting her mother’s place for the Onam festival, her
maternal relatives were teasing her saying “chettiyar girl”. Because she was
brought up in Tamilnadu she was black. When ever she was speaking Malayalam it
was having Tamil accent.
“Why you have married me?” once she asked
her husband.
“Like Draupadi you are having beautiful
appearance. And your obedience has captivated me”.
But that obedience is missing now.
For no apparent reason she developed
affection for herself. She has got her house built in a modern way. She made bed
room an AC room. The number of servants in the house is increased. Always she
was wearing costly silk saris.
The only one who can not be modernized is
her husband himself. He was roaming in the garden or house wearing ordinary
clothes. One of his fore-teeth has broken. He did not agree to replace his broken
tooth with a new one. She felt that degeneration has started in her life.
One evening after the bath she was
adjusting her hair humming neelaambari tune as delineated by Ramanaatham. At a
distance the sun is setting as a fire ball and then she was reminded of the
sharpness in the looks of the singer.
“Once let us go to Madurai and have a
darshan of Goddess Meenakshi. I will take two days leave from the hospital”
said she to her husband.
“We need not go to any other holy place
other than Guruvaayur” replied he. The proposal to visit Madurai is rejected.
Then Menon was sturdy and healthy. Now he is on bed with degenerated body
suffering from paralysis. Always tears were rolling down his eyes. She
understood his pain and difficulty. She was serving him orange juice with her
own hands and was making him drink it. She was wiping his body with cloth
soaked in hot water. By observing her service to her husband all her servants
and relatives were acclaiming her love for her husband. She served him like
this as long as Menon was alive.
Now she got liberated from married life and
its bonds. She did free service to the poor and is worshipped as Goddess. “It
is impossible that in hospital nothing moves even for a single day if the
doctor is not present” used to think the patients. When they learnt that,
doctor will not be available for three days as she is leaving to visit Madurai
the patients are a worried lot. Somehow she convinced them and started for
Madurai.
Though normally she was wearing dress
reflecting her status as a widow, while going to Madurai, she wore silk sari
and applied scent and wore choicest jewelry.
Her heart became sensitive and apprehensive like that of new bride who
started for her new experience.
Madurai has changed a lot. Many earlier
houses disappeared. New buildings have appeared. A school is being run in the
house where they were residing. She went to Meenakshi temple and observed the
temple tank. Then she arrived at the Math which is in a dilapidated condition.
No one answered her even though she called
for many times. Thinking that no one might be there and was turning back an old
woman has opened the door and came nearer Subhadra. She is Jnaanaamba appearing
as a seventy year old woman. How much she has changed!? All her hair has
fallen. Bald head is revealing dried up veins. All the teeth are missing. She
is like the personification of Ugliness.
“I am Subhadra, did you not recognize me?”
said Subhadra.
“You are Subhadra?!”
“I came to visit you. Where is our
teacher?”
“You came very late Subhadra. Your teacher
has expired a year back”
“But this news did not appear in the
newspapers”
“Who will publish this news in the
newspapers? Poor and ordinary people’s death is not news. He lived in
difficulties and died in difficulties. When I asked him how we have to live since
we do not have any children, he used to reply: My disciples are my children.
They will take care of us when I am in need. We wrote for help to many. Leave
alone help, they did not even care to reply.” Tears rolled down Jnaanamba’s
cheeks.
Subhadra embraced her. Because Jnaanaamba
did not bathe for many days her sari is smelling sweat.
Subhadra got vomiting sensation.
“How I can help you now?”
“I do not need any help now. I need no help
from you. You are responsible for my quarrels with my husband. Whenever I was
requesting him to teach me music along with you he was unhesitatingly saying
that my voice is not matured. That was causing so much pain to me. I am
speaking the truth, Subhadra, you have become his second wife and my competitor
right from the start of my marriage”.
Subhadra removed her hands from her and
said, “You have misunderstood me. Guruji never used to show any partiality” and
left that place.
Subhadra took her bath and went to
Meenakshi temple. She was earnestly waiting all these days to listen to
neelaambari raga (tune) as delineated by her teacher Ramanaatham. What is the
purpose of my living from now onwards? I waited till now? For what shall I wait
from now?
Gleaming in the green sari Subhadra is
weeping before the Goddess and was saying to herself, “I readied myself as a
new bride and I became a widow, forgive me Goddess!”, then she heard a familiar
voice asking
“When did you come, Subhadra?”
Subhadra looked back. Guru Ramanaatham
stood before her wearing a small cloth. The same Rudraakshas are adorning his
neck. The same red dot is adorning his forehead. Bear chest. Grey hair.
Subhadra is astonished beyond measure by seeing him. “Has he come to cause
illusion to me?” and was silently gazing at him.
He walked aside and signaled her to come
there. She went there.
“When did you arrive, subhadra?”
Subhadra is not able to speak.
Keeping silent for a moment, asked he with
a loving and affectionate voice,
“Why are you weeping? What has happened?”
“Jnaanaamba has told me that you have
expired”
“Jnaanaamba has become a mental patient. I
took her to all kinds of doctors. But no one could cure her. We gave her shock
treatment at Kalyaanapuram too. That also did not work. “
“Very sad”
“All this is my destiny. I have to still teach
music to run our house and live. I am in such a wretched state. Wearing torn
cloths and starving, I am leading my life. Are you well and alright, Subhadra?
How is your husband? How many children you have?
“My husband has expired. We do not have any
children. I am living a lonely life serving the patients.”
She is intensely longing within now to go
with him to some lonely place and to reveal to him fearlessly which she has
buried in her all these thirty years and must recline by putting her face on
his chest….
As if he sensed what is going on in her
mind, he said,
“I can not come with you and spoil your
name and fame”.
She wept uncontrollably trying to use it as
a final arrow to persuade him.
Not leaving his tenderness he said,
“You and I have ordained responsibilities.
To discharge them is the duty left in our lives. You must not spoil the
sanctity of marriage and your husband’s name. I must serve my mentally ill
wife. There is no other go. Only this is good for both of us in this life”.
The sound waves carrying the tune of
neelaambari raga (tune) have pervaded the space emanating from a nearby house.
Then she stood there seeing the dimmed moon in the sky.
Malayalam
original: Madhavi Kutty (Kamala Das)
Translation through Sanskrit: Varanasi
Ramabrahmam
